This one is non-negotiable if you want a healthy, happy relationship. Notice a theme? It should be long enough to feel romantic and will be like a love vitamin — nurturing connection and intimacy in your marriage. Defer Decisions until you can talk about them privately. This means, you make an agreement with your spouse not to accept invitations, decline opportunities or give an answer to anyone about almost anything, until you have talked about it and made a decision together. This is a pro-active way to avoid disagreements, misunderstandings and resentment.
Make it clear to your spouse and to the world that your priority is your marriage. Knowing this makes it easier to make decisions every day. Express Gratitude. Expressing gratitude feels good to YOU because you are looking for the positive things to celebrate and acknowledge in every day. Fawn wrote a great article about how important this is back in It really is okay if you never want to go bowling and he never wants to do yoga.
G ive some Vitamin F2 every day. What is Vitamin F2, you ask? Flirt and Fun. And yes, I just made it up. How about giving some every day to the love of your life? Laughing together and keeping that spark of flirtatious love alive will add a little joy to every day — even the hard ones. These 7 habits will make the hard times easier to manage and fill the good times with so many happy memories that you can lean on those memories and good feelings when the hard times come. Join the club! Start your day off right with an uplifting second message delivered to your mailbox for free.
While one person has the floor, the other person can only listen by repeating back or paraphrasing what the other person said. Only after each person has been fully "heard," do you then proceed to problem solving. When you pass your spouse sitting at her desk doing some work, do you stop and rub her shoulders, give her a kiss on the cheek, and whisper something nice in her ear — or do you just walk on by?
This is the meaning of "turning toward" as opposed to "turning away. Marriage research shows that happily married couples do a lot of turning toward each other whenever they get the chance. They look for ways to be physically and emotionally close to each other. Turning toward each other means making each other your number one priority.
Another important aspect of turning toward each other is doing things together that you both enjoy. Taking walks together, drinking coffee together after dinner, learning Torah together, and listening to music together, are all examples of how couples turn toward each other. A powerful way to turn toward each other is to show the ultimate respect — by standing when your spouse enters the room. Sounds old-fashioned? It is. Couples who "turn away" from each other don't develop closeness. It's a basic principle stated in the Talmud, "A good deed begets another good deed.
A bad deed begets another bad deed. I often ask singles the following question: "After you're married, what do you plan to do for the next 40 years? Human beings need meaning like we need water. Happily married couples enrich their relationship by sharing meaningful experiences with each other. The ultimate in meaning is to share a common philosophy of life and life purpose. This is why couples who observe Shabbat together, and learn Torah together, have great sources of meaning built into their lives. Some other specific ways of infusing your relationship with meaning are visiting the sick together, making a shiva call together, or preparing a meal together for a mother who just gave birth.
These six habits may seem small, but when practiced intentionally and consistently, they will form the backbone of a deeply fulfilling marriage. People get lazy in marriage. It's a fact. I accepted it a very long time ago. It takes effort to care about making another human being feel loved and wanted. Easier to pop-a-top and watch tv 18 hours a day. And from what I've seen, other couples either go their separate ways or just resign themselves to a very boring married life.
Not what most of us had in mind. And if you call your spouse on the lack of affection, they will make you feel so ugly and outdated, you just learn to keep your mouth shut. I love my husband, but I'll never again give anybody this much power over my life. One life is what we get. Young hearts, run free. Good info. He says he wants to but actions speak louder than words to me.. He has ed but i feel its in his mind more so than ed He has been previously married twice and both wives told him he didn't satisfy them sexually He makes me feel fat ugly and unloved when he doesn't even bother to make love to me.
I've dealt with it so long i just wanna quit. Its hard when my wife cant talk to me like a guman being. I have to change myself and what i do to the point where i dont know who i am anymore. I am not heard. I am not understood. She brings her family into everything. We dont have a private life.
Her family knows everything meanwhile my side of the family dont know anything.
All they see is a great daughter in law. And thats how i want them to see her. But i just wish that i had family to consolidate in. I want to but im a big believer in working things out ourselves first. Noone else needs to be involved. So please somebody help me. Grace , May 22, AM. Antony March 18, : I recommend some good books, like Dr. Good marriage counseling too.
24 Best Relationship Books Every Couple Should Read Together
I wish this works for me because my husband gives room for his family to run his house. Even his mother is the ring leader. Am so confused, do not what to do. Amazing what God can do if you listen to those that are wise and generous in sharing 6 wonderful "to do's " that will give you the tools to make the most challenging human journey in this life become a positive legacy of kindness on a nuclear level to your children, yourself, your spouse and be a beacon of hope and peace to those trying to keep their wedding vows to themselves and God.
Thank you for the insightful 6 things to do! I wish I can say about my marriage. My are the ones who tell us how to manage our marriage. One of the aunt even said in front of everyone that she hates and wants to destroy our marriage. There's too much drama and its all because I don't allow them to make decisions for us. I even decided not to go to their house anymore and my husband allow them to control us. It's so important for couples to invest each other. Thank G-d there are many good Jewish books on the topic.
We honour your works. Keep going at it. It is great to see someone making a site of trully happy people I have one www. This was excellent to read. Some of these things we had learned in therapy but reading them helps to emphasize how important these things are.
Regarding 2, my husband has started our tradition of leaving a "greeter" aka stuffed animal by the door when one of us will not be home to greet the other. It sends a message that we're thinking of the other and its always nice not to come home to an empty house.
Your husband loves to give you these objects cos that is his way of expressing his affection. He is also closed to learning new things. For this 2 traits check his family life u will find the reasons there. Accept who he is. Do not try to change him now- it has nt worked. Accept his language of love and learn to speak it too. Dont let his lack of verbal or physical express dampen ur zest for life -he fell in love with that. Thank you for giving me concrete ideas I can apply right now to strengthen my connection to my husband. It moves the responsibility to my actions and words rather than "wishing" for a change.
I love this article. I particularly like the habit of doing meaningful things together. My husband and I have different fatihs, but we share our faiths with each other and recognize the need to worship with one another and as a family. This has brought us such joy in our marriage and in the lives of our children. We have passed on our love of community outreach them. Our oldest daughter recently opted to attend 'alternative spring break' with Habitat for Humanity rather than going to Cancun with her friends.
We are so pleased that she made this decision! In our fast paced lives, little things like helping others is so often negleted. So all my reading of these articles thrills me to no end, but getting my husband to read it or live it is impossible. I am trapped and feel unappreciated. He gives me jewelry and cash but won't come outside to enjoy what has been created for us all, he rarely puts a hand to any work other than outside the home.
Foreplay is nonexistant. I don't want jewelry, it is cold and cash doesn't talk to me or love me.
- Legenden um den eigenen Körper (German Edition).
- De l’imitation théâtral (French Edition);
- 24 Best Relationship Books Every Couple Should Read Together.
- Never Enough.
I try to explain it and he says he doesn't know any other way to show love, but he refuses to learn any other ways and I feel empty and cold and miserable and sad all the time. How am I supposed to keep this together if all my joy in living that was plain to family and friends before we married has been crushed out of me and I can't express any of it for fear of being squashed yet again? He won't read anything I print or bring home, I tried leaving this on the computer screen but he just calls it garbage and exits it.
Now what? I found one of the things that he says that i do bothers him but i found that he does all the other ones i am willing to adapt and i hope he will believe my words once he reads this article but hard to say cause its usually a one sided conversation a. I agree with the notion that opening up the fabulous aspects of our lives and surroundings enriches each person. I think that people who have hobbies and are fascinated with being alive and share make the best partners.
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Lovers are the best lovers. That is, being in love with a book, or a hobby or your garden or your issues or whatever enriches the other person. But, it is important for the partner to also be in love. This way both are living two lilves and continue to grow and be excited about each other's issues and thus be excited about each other. Hi I have Before would be easier, but under experience I can tell that Rabbi Dov is so right in what he says that I'm shocked about so much professional wisdom I'm very hard to please, I don't dedicate even a sec.
With garbage articles, leaving my opinion my e-mail, just forget it. This is all so good, I am going to see how we can work this into our lives, now the next thing is gettting him to read this all. Hi I loved the article and Im sure it will be greatly enhance my marriage. Im really posting hoping to knock off an innapropriate comment on the bottom of the list. Good luck to you all. All that u require is give him max time u can give rest will be solved automatically. Hi Sindhu, Though at times your marriage may seem tough you are able to change all that.
Did you not know what his expectations were? You need to ask him what his expectations are of you? Once you have a clear picture you will be able to work towards them. It s important to discuss your relationship as this will open up the barriers between you.
It is important to understand that we are all humans and no matter how old we grow we will always need to learn new things. You could see a marriage counseller and they will be able to guide you in the right direction. Wishing you the best. I have been having a very difficult time in my marriage of 12 years I just happened upon your site. I discussed it with my husband and we both decided to put your advise to the test.
It was the best thing we could have ever done we have never been happier. We are going to renew our vows this summer on our anniversary. I also love you quoting and using Rebz. Esther and her daughter, they are world class Torah inspiration! Thanks so much for this article! We are not Jewish. But, this is great practice for everyone! I would love to receive these newsletters in my email. Thanks so much!! Be blessed Milgrim-Heath , May 9, PM. Give yourselves true pleasure- Always successful by any given measure. Issues discussed openly and honestly with safe places there- Do you have them all the time- everywhere?
Resolving hot issue need good communication skills- Are essential for all your devotional wills. Do put God into your marriage to you can see- Your marriage built with pure love successfully. Comments on this article have been going on for 8 years! As a child behavior specialist, I too often have seen the 'products' of unhealthy marital relationships. Our modern culture seems to breed discontent. A study of Indian marriages indicated that arranged marriages do better than romantic marriages. Companionship wins out over romance, as well, in studies. One possible piece of advice: Consider your spouse your best friend, and confide in your spouse as you would your best friend.
Besides this article, here are some other useful sources: 1 First and foremost, my friend and colleague, Rabbi M. Succinct and witty. Learn about the relationship cycle which helps so many Jewish couples. May the best man--and woman--win! Keep in mind that some of it may be ingrained in them. I know some of mine ingrained in me. For instance, my mother is overbearing, controlling and emotionally abusive. She likes to put all these things in writing and send them to me in very elaborate letters When my husband reads what she wrote, he says to me, "So that's where you get it from.
And assures me that where she is hurtful to me, my gaining this tool from her and usuing it positively is a gift. Then he gives me examples of how I have put it to use positively. That sets good ground for him when he talks to me about the negative things that have been ingrained in me.
Since he was positive and complimentary, it helps me listen to him when we discuss topics that aren't so pleasant. Unfortunately the behaviour is transferred into your marriage unconsciously. After 20 years of marriage I recently read the Garden of Peace by Lazer Brody - one of the main things which should be added to the list is not to criticize or blame your spouse - however open the communication criticism or blame will always sting. However crazy this advice sounds because how do you tell someone that you don't like something they are doing - its one of the biggest secrets and success tools to a happy marriage.
Take my word for it - I have never been so much in love with my spouse! You will find better ways to get what you need without criticism. I believe that you can adapt these six habits of happiness to any relationship. Try it because it works! Been married 44 wonderful years and we have done everything and more that the author suggests. No one had to tell us how to respect and honor the other it was just the right thing to do. One thing that is better than a date night every week is an annual trip to Israel for a month or so.
Talk about stimulating and invigorating!!!! Daniel and Didier, this sounds important, could you explain in more detail what you do? Let me tell how I understand you. So, if you feel that your husband hurt you or someone else and is not aware of it, you tell him? And he aplologizes before you? And he tries to act differently another time and you support him in that? And your husband acts the same way if you hurt him or someone else? Please correct me if I did not undrstand what you mean.
My husband Didier and I do what is outline but have one more important in our vision addition. G-d is so with us at these moments and all moments forward. My husband and I are both guilty for the troubles we face. I think that if everyone followed this advice we would no longer be living in Exile. I also think that if one spouse is willing, then there is a chance.
I have read many of the comments and some sound hopless, but if even one spouse does whatever they can in accordance with these 6 strategies, you may bring the other one around. Some of you are in seriously abusive relationships and don't know it. If you are being abused you need to leave your abusive spouse. It stuck me how little of this we had in our marriage. Davening to find a caring partner in life.
If I ever have the courage to leave my husband of 18 years I don't because of the kids I will hopefully have the opportunity to use this advice in my next relationship This is coming a bit too late for me There is too much water under the bridge I can vouch for this advice, my husband and I do every one of those things, and we have the world's happiest marriage.
I give my husband full credit for it. I always tell him, if every husband were like him, this would be a perfect world. I thank Hashem for him every day. It sounds so easy and sweet but both need to be giving and available which is hard to do when you are in war. Thanks for sharing these timeless reminder.
I will send to my friends in my Hanukah cards! I so appreciate your writing this article. I will forward this to all my friends. It is a beautiful letter with so much important information. COI am remarried and realize the error of my ways in my first marriage. I will apply these 6 important tips everyday. Neven, number 53, you have to stick up for yourself so your wife can respect you. When she asks you who the hell you are, reply back: "I am a human being, created in the image of G-d. I'm not getting upset. When she says, "Why should I help you? If you don't love me, please let me know. Tell yourself that you are a person, and you were created in the image of G-d.
Finally, when your wife tells you that she can take care of the children herself, ask her calmly if that's what she wants. These habits won't help you; manic and drug addiction is not your fault and you can't change it on your own. I hate to be blunt but there is NO other way. You keep telling yourself if you'd be just the perfect wife all his issues will go away. You didn't create them, and you can't solve them. Your love will hopefully lead him to getting the help he needs and will be waiting for him when he is cured.
Every choice has a cost and consequence
But it's not going to solve it on it owns. May Hashem grant your heart's desire and may your Husband have a refuah shelema, and may all this be but a misty dream that barely was. I think this 6 habits program lends itself to be applied to other interpersonal relationships with minor, appropriated modifications. I'm planning to use it to improve my relationship with my mother.
May you all have a wonderful year! I am sorry that you have had such a difficult experience. It seems like now is a good time for you to meet with a counselor who is savvy about dealing with addiction and addictive behavior, someone with experience and knowledge about this type of situation. Or you may want to attend Naranon meetings to hear from others how they were able to manage. I hope this helps. Wishing you success in the new year. It isn't so easy to change. You just feel sad that so much is lost. If there was common ground or agreement I am happy for others it was a great article.
I knew that I he was my soul mate, he alway brought the best out of me, I know and he professes the same, even sitll for me. Lifes issues, have a constant cloud over our relationship and we both are finding it difficult to find any of the sunshine that stimulated our marriage, alway silence, nit picking and grumpy and I am so unhappy. I really love my husband.
I got married approx. I've tried to explain everything to my wife I'm doing more than what you are doing