This is a marathon life and we live like it is a sprint. I added in stuff for him, Scouts, music, art, library, going to livestock shows, etc. He absolutely could not stand for it if I did something without him. He started setting up situations where he thought I might get upset with him, like claiming to be gay. No, I just told him 13 was too young to be having sex, and we discussed it more.
He told everyone that I beat and screamed at him! He complained to school counselors and made them call Childrens Services, but with not a mark on him, they never bothered to call us. He jumped on that! Bottom line, CPS traumatized him again, isolating him from friends and family, moving him from foster homes to a group home, and finally to a relative he never knew where his mentally ill maternal grandmother also lives.
We are in same situation now. Can you tell us how you progressed thru legal system? Reading your post sounds like our daughter. We are at lost about what to,do. Keep trying to reunify with a lot of counseling or cut our losses by adoption dissolution. Any advice? I completely agree with you and applaud your ability to recognize and accept the reality.
Having grown up in a large family of all girls it never occurred to me that I might not be able to conceive. I was much more selfish than some of you. I simply wanted to be a Mom and raise children with my then husband. God is the miracle worker not me. Same situation here. Adopted at 4 yrs, now a teen.
We are distant and superficial. She no longer lives with us but the damage is done and will ripple and wave for eternity. Am in the same situation. My adopted daughter is no longer in my home but the damage she has caused will linger for a long time. Not location. We are in a really terrible place and not sure what our options are…. Emma, we did attachment therapy. It helped a lot. I feel our relationship is superficial too, but I realize it is the best she can do. I just keep keepin on, knowing I am doing and have done my best.
I have had to work through the resentment many times over, maybe just try to keep it at bay! I am thinking of you and pray you stay encouraged. Quey, he is a child, but the truth is, unless you have dealt with the crap these kids throw on us every minute of every day, it really is hard and if these were not our children, we would have been able to walk away from such a toxic person. So yes, feeling resentful is a very common and even yes, normal, reaction. I think we need support networks of experienced parents who can counsel each other during the traumatic times.
We have another teen moving in with us this week and I feel so much better equipped than when we began this journey. Anyone have any ideas on how to set up peer counseling? I have 2 Korean adopted children from a few months old.. I have been abused, ridiculed, hated, raged at my entire life with them. My daughter constantly defied, argued controlled every situation. I changed in to this pacifying, unsure and tentative mother. My daughter lied to my sister and her family and now they believe I was the cruel uncaring one.
Both children have detached from me. My son is withdrawn, mute nearly, dabbling in drugs and street life.. My daughter is at uni trying to study but all consuming, attaching to any one who comes near and at the same time no one. I have had no contact from them, that has been determined by me.
If I organise anything they will endeavour to change it or not turn up. I am a teacher and work with children.. I hide my story,pretending everything is ok, hiding myself away.. I feel trapped in this weird world. I wish I had known about RAD earlier.. I could have changed this.. I sensed something was wrong early but we were not informed about it.. It feels its too late now and I have to let go to survive.. I have no partner and no family support.. My daughter was 4 when she entered foster care, adopted just days before her 5th birthday, and is now 11 years old. I know exactly how you feel, resentment for what our adopted son put us through, unbearable.
We adopted at 3 andwas hell ever since. We went through so many theapists with no help, actually they helped us more than him. All I can tell you is you cant fix it, I never could. God understands, loves you and ur child. God bless you warrior. Some of the kids especially those with reactive attachment disorder who have a disorganized attachment style will NEVER be able to truly have healthy, secure relationships true attachment.
I think the best you can do is be the best damn caregiver you can possibly be and hope that the child will accept you in that role. I hear your words. You may never feel love for her. You are honest. I heard you, More importantly, Most importantly, He Knows. And, He will give you what you need to make it to the other side of the heart-pain that is so obvious in your words.
You are Loved. Just so you know, we fostered a boy for 10 months when he was 4. We had his siblings too 2 and 1 and we deeply loved them, but he was so difficult, and I mean a new level of difficult, and I never felt love for him. We did not get to adopt, because he want home to his mom, but we are fortunate, and get to see our former foster kids whenever we want.
Can I be painfully honest? I never truly am dying to see him. Commitment to him all these years is love. We have adopted 2 others since then and thankfully I feel love for them, but it is nice to know, I can say I love him, no guilt. You are an amazing person, keep on at it!
Comforting truth. I totally understand your pain in not being able to attach. She had split personalities for us and for others. I have finally been able to realize what a burden has been lifted from me in not having her with us. We fostered children and adopted 3 along with 2 birth sons. I know we did what we could for them all and my heart feels good. God does bless us with others to love to help out weigh those unlovely ones. Prayers for your situation as well. I know you want those feelings of love for your child and I pray it does get there. But what you have already done for this child IS love.
You may not feel love, but your actions for this child ARE love. You are right. Love is not a feeling, but a commandment and action. It is putting the interest of another above the interest of self, and you have all done it and continue to do it. I am not capable of providing a home to a child such as you describe due to my own issues related to childhood abuse, my issues are too great and healing too incomplete.
May the Lord bless and keep you. Thank you, I needed to hear that. Have two adult kids with rad along with other things, then when a third became explosive we just had enough, 7 years fighting through and trying to survive the rad behaviors was too much, the child only got worse,when her refusal to eat or drink became life threatening we did what be thought was unthinkable, we found her a new family, we dissolved our adoption, we split up twins.
Love in action, no one felt it but it was all done out of love. This sounds like something we are struggling with now. We have lived the nightmare for 3. My partner does not love either but fortunately is willing to adopt the older sibling with me, but we are considering letting go of the younger one if possible.
He has turned our life around degrees and not in a good way. It breaks my heart to think about letting him go because he does occassionally call me mom and he seems more connected to me than I am of him. However, it may be better for him to go somewhere else where someone can truly love him. How did you go about dissolving the adoption? My husband and I are at that point with our almost 11 year old adopted daughter.
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Our family is falling apart. Her therapist agrees that at this point it may be time to let her go live with the biological aunt she so desperately wants to live with. We feel she is doing everything in her power to sabotage her life with us so she can have her way.
Enough is enough!! Love kids? Would die for my own biological ones? I have blamed myself over and over and over for not being the type of Christian that I know I should be—love like Christ. How can I love like Christ??????!!!! I keep trying and keep failing so I keep praying desperate prayers for help!!!!!! I think a couple comments just above yours really hit the nail on the head. Love is an action. Every time you serve that child, every time you place their needs above yours, every meal you make, every need you meet… that IS love.
We are known by our actions, not our feelings… so I am sure that you really are doing much better than you think you are. So you might have to think in terms of being the very best caregiver you can be. Like the best baby-sitter you would love to have for your kids. Being kind and caring and aware of their needs….
I could have written every single word you wrote. I have no answers obviously but I know, I know, I know. Surviving what you are going through now. I sometimes wonder if we should have taken his advise and honestly think our adopted son would have done much better not living with a family. God bless you. Hang in there. Sometimes God answers prayer slowly and sometimes all at once. Everything you just said is me. I completely get it.
I thought I was the only one. Thank you so much for sharing this. I honestly thought I was the only one out there who struggled with this. I so needed you to write this. Thank you for your courage, Thank you, thank you. I know exactly what you are feeling. Every ounce of my being wants her out of house. But I have to add, after 3 and a half years of hatred toward me, she was nice to me yesterday. I still am in many ways, because love with trauma is so very different from love without trauma. What I have done, and what my excellent therapist also did with me, is remind me that love is what you do, whether you feel it or not.
If counting up the time and commitment and willingness to suffer, I would have to say that I had favorites, and they were the children from trauma. If counting up the easy relationships, the fun interactions, the warmth of deep affection, I would also have to say I had favorites, the children who were able to enter into deep mutual relationships because they began life in a stable family. Now that there is more distance, it is sometimes easier to be able to affirm that because of what they lived, they have done what made sense to them.
Who in their right mind would open themselves up to the kind of pain and rejection with which they started their lives? And because they started that way, it is part of who they are, not a conscious decision. For them to accept me would mean for them to live every moment deciding to live opposite to their most basic instincts to keep themselves safe.
When your first parent is not safe, it is so so hard to find a feeling a safety from any other parent. And when you are angry at that first parent, the person who absorbs that anger is the next parent. So they make sense. But I make sense too. For me to feel love in the traditional sense for someone who instinctively pushes me away with all that is in them, also is living contrary to instinct and to self preservation.
After this many years of the things we have lived with, I experience panic episodes somewhat regularly when anticipating a visit or conversation, even when I know that it should be a simple and safe event. My body is used to not feeling safe and it reacts with anxiety to the trauma I lived with. Love for someone who brings that kind of anxiety is rarely warm or cozy. It is choices to treat with respect and to stay in some kind of relationship that is safe for everyone, and sometimes it is even choices to not be in relationship.
We have to give grace to them for what they have suffered, and also give grace to ourselves. Willingly suffering IS love in the most meaningful sense of the word. I have parented four older adopted kid from traumatic backgrounds. Three are young adults out of the home and we have one at home that I actually have to be locked away from for my own safety and my husband has taken up as sole caretaker for him. You hit the nail on the head with my experience with any contact with my adult kids. I minimize my contact with them, little to none. Sick of listening to the poor me long monologues dotted with how their woes are our fault.
They remind me of the Israelites shaking their fists at Moses. We had everything we wanted and needed in Egypt. Too much to identify with on this post and amongst the comments. We need to make an actual support group with one another. Just the feelings of care, identification and solidarity here have buoyed our spirits and brought comfort and grace to all of us hiding with our skeletons in our closets binging on wine and chocolate, feeling alone. We are obviously not alone. I can so identify with your post. My daughter, age 20 and living on her own for two years because we gave her the choice of not smoking pot in the house, or find yourself another place to live.
And so what if she made all those mistakes as a teen, why should she have to keep on paying for them, how dare we adopt again instead of taking care of her, etc…Manipulative guilt, so know how that feels, but choosing not to play any more…you made your choices, deal with it. I will love you, but I will not enable you any more. Dear just surviving over attaching — I think, dear person, that you have the wrong word for LOVE in your mind. LOVE is an action. Do you feed that child? Do you sacrifice? Do you provide every opportunity for that child to heal and to grow?
I bet you do. That, THAT is love.
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Love is a verb. Love can be a feelings, but feelings come and go. The love you feel for other children — and your dog — is both the verb and the feeling. The love for this child is only the action. The feeling part — it may come, it may not. Do I still buy him new clothes along with his brothers even though he destroys them on purpose? Do I make sure he has a good lunch in his lunch box every day, that he has well fitting clothing, a warm coat, shoes that fit, boots in the winter time, eats balanced meals, make sure he drinks enough milk, brushes his teeth, combs his hair, gets his hair cut, takes baths….
Those are actions that are love. You may think, well, everyone does that. Do you love your child? Yes, absolutely, you do. How can you feel mushy gushy warm love feelings towards someone who abuses you and uses you? That is where our supernatural strength, our faith, comes in. To know that we are doing what God wants us to, that we are bearing pain no one should ever bear, just like those children bear pain no child should ever bear. Will it leave us scarred and changed? But we can wear those scars with pride — because we said YES.
Thank you Kelli. I to struggled with that feeling of not loving my 13 year old but I do care for him the way God wants us too! Thank you! I will re-read this later. We are giving constantly, but 2 years later I feel some things get better while others get worse… and it is strange to have so few people really understand what is going on.
The worst part my biggest fear is I do not want to fail my bio kids. I wonder constantly if having the constant passive-aggressive presence of their little sister she is 6 now will permanently change them and their memories of their once idyllic childhood. I have been dealing with that same feeling for years — for 12 years now.
Unfortunately, I know it has impacted their lives. No one wants to go anywhere as a family with her anymore. They are teenagers and they are done. Bridges upon bridges have been burned. Certain things got better over the years, but the nasty, vile words got worse. It is hard to go home some days. Not loving 3 out of 8 of our adopted kids is the worst of the worst. All the training in the world will not prepare you for this. So here goes another day. The tears never cease for long. As long as I have hope …………. I have to tell U, I have been there for years.
He was my 1st adoption so I really thought something was wrong with me. But I do want to give U hope about coming to love that child. Or it felt like it cost too much to try to show him. Instead, I sobbed. I wanted him gone. I refused to even come home until he was gone. And there have been times I was so ready for the visit to end. But there has never been a doubt about my love for him anymore. GOD did that. Not me. I had nothing left. But I know that I know that I love him. And HE knows, no matter what, I love him. He is finally beginning to accept that.
How to live in a family appropriately. As do all of his sibs. It is truly a miracle! Wait for it, keep praying for it. And do what U have to do to heal in the meantime. Just surviving…I could have written your post…I hate to even admit how I feel to myself…I never imagined after almost 9 years not feeling love anymore for my adopted daughter when I so deeply love my biological children. I crave the calm when away from her so avoid being with her most of the time. It helps a little to know I am not the only one.
Thank you for your honesty as I know it is brutally painful. There are people who will read this and think I posted it! Except we have a cat. I hear you. I get it. Amen and Amen sister! My prayer is what I am about to say encourages you. You are daily choosing to lay your life down for this child. That is love. God sent Jesus while He found us repulsive. Our good works were like used feminine hygiene products. Yet while we were in that state He sacrificed Jesus.
He loved when we were unloveable. That is what you are doing for this child. You are living the Gospel. It is hard and painful. God knows the deep rejection and betrayal you feel. He feels it too.
- Mademoiselle Ovary: Sonnets of Advice for the Approach & Arrival of Young Womanhood?
- A tale of a tub, and other satires (1909).
- Heritage and Social Media: Understanding heritage in a participatory culture;
- The God of Evolution: A Trinitarian Theology;
- Kitáb-i-Aqdas (English Translation).
I am praying that something refreshes your soul today. It is hard to love someone when there is no emotional reward from it, but the sacrifice of keeping on shows how deeply you love them even without the emotions. Dear just surviving, over attaching: I hear you.! You said YES, so give yourself a hug and offer yourself up a long drink of grace. You are becoming more Christlike just from being in the trenches and you love Him so He will work this all for good.
Despised and rejected. Jesus knows all about that. He will bind up your broken heart and hers too. Keep praying. Keep seeking His eternal perspective. Have hope. Know that He loves you so very, very much and He is proud of you.!!! I have 5 of them and right now, once specifically that I can honestly say I am struggling with looking into their eyes and LOVE them.
Moving forward, striving for HIS love to overtake my superficial human love or lack their of. So you have a ridiculously difficult to parent child that you continue to include in your family? Continue to try and meet her needs? Continue to be there for her even when you feel like taking the rest of your family and running away? Sounds like love to me. I wish you were my neighbor so you could come hang out and have a break. Love looks an awful lot different with our kiddos who come from trauma. My husband and I are the adoptive parents of two children.
They are not biological, but were our foster babies. My son is the joy of my life. I thank God everyday for the gift of his life in my life Now my daughter is a different story. She came to live with us when she was two weeks old. Both children were exposed to drugs before they were born. My daughter also exposed to alcohol. About a year later it began to hit me that something was wrong with her. Since that time life with her has been extremely difficult. Sometimes a living hell..
She is ten now! Yet, I love Jesus and try to do the right thing. At different times during our life with her I have wanted to dissolve the adoption. It has strained our marriage and our life. I have lost friends and family members. I have been reported to our state agency for not caring about my daughter. It is so hard to understand that she has 0 ability to care or relate to another human being when you look at her smile and the twinkle in her eye. Her school thinks we are crazy, not her….
So I get what you are feeling. Remember you are not alone. God loves us all…your child and you. He loves us all even at our worst. That always gives me hope.. A lot of society spends so much time talking about falling in love and feeling love. But you have chosen a harder road and sound like a good person. Please be gentle with yourself. We have permanent guardianship of our teenage nephew. I want to love him. People say what a blessing we are to him, how great we are, blah, blah…. And most days I wake up just wishing my family could go back to how it was before.
Feelings of failure when you try so hard to create that attachment to no avail is very discouraging. Heather Forbes has two audio CDs called Affirmations that have helped me to not take it all so personally and creates some self care time for the emotional burn out.
I think it takes time and God. Our children, my husband and I have been so hurt and traumatized by our AS that its easy to feel very resentful and no love toward him. If you can think of anything that you have intentionally or unintentionally done that might have hurt your child, giving them a very heartfelt apology can also make great advances in the attachment.
One time I thought about how angry he is with me and thought maybe I should apologize again for having to leave him in his country before the adoption. I stopped the car, got out, sat in the floorboard in front of him and apologized and just bawled. He finally started calling me mom the next day. My husband and I have 1 biological child and we adopted 3 siblings almost 2 years ago.
I hate it. I hate that I feel that way. Thank you for putting into words what I think everyday.
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Oh how I relate! U r not alone. Im taking the risk. Im all in….. Like would step in front of a bus for him kind of love. He was 4 when we adopted. I liked him loooooooong before I loved him. And even liking him took me almost a year…and even longer for my husband.
But truly, with time, this child…he is the crown jewel of our family. Thank you for your honesty. All of you!! I wonder why God chose our family for him about every day. I see no good in this, and am exhausted. Some days I have literally felt like my family would be better off without me, whether that be through death or just simply walking out never to return. No Downloads. Views Total views. Actions Shares. Embeds 0 No embeds. No notes for slide.
Audiobook the devil s kick: Our Children Unprotected Full page 1. Audiobook the devil s kick: Our Children Unprotected Full page 2. If you want to download this book, click link in the last page 5. You just clipped your first slide! Clipping is a handy way to collect important slides you want to go back to later. Now customize the name of a clipboard to store your clips. I felt like I was in your shoes. I couldn't put the book down and finished it in one sitting.
You asked me to find anything wrong with it. My answer is "nothing. Third, I feel that this book is a must-read for every adult male on this planet. Chapter 18 "A Life Interrupted" impacted me the most. I can see how my own life could improve if I made it a non-stop every moment priority to choose doing the right things and to always strive towards getting "synchronicity" right in my life.
This is the message that needs to get out there to help make the world a better place for the future children. Thank you Dyann for creating this book. This book cannot and should not be kept a secret. This is a tough subject, but a great read, with an unbelievable compassion not only for victims, but insight into how our culture has betrayed even the perpetrators. She makes a strong point that our current system of law does not adequately protect those who have been abused, but also that the abusers need longer sentences for the sake of the children abused AND help.
I've read the book twice One person found this helpful. The minute I started to read this book, I could not put it down until I read all of it. It is well written, suspenseful, humorous and enlightening. The author dares recount what she had to go through to seek justice and although it reads like a thriller, one must remember that it is a true story. See all 3 reviews. There's a problem loading this menu right now. Learn more about Amazon Prime. Get fast, free delivery with Amazon Prime. Back to top. Get to Know Us. Amazon Payment Products. English Choose a language for shopping.